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Quotes #9 by Alpner Quotes #9 by Alpner
Quotes #9 | “Not impressed with Jesus turning water into wine. I heard the Russians can turn potatoes into vodka!"

After a couple "off" weeks I'm back with a new Quotes. I got an order from a friend for more then a hundred new stickers with funny quotes on it. I changed the background, font and size from previous design. Since I got many complains how "this sh*t doesn't belong here on DA" I probably won't upload all of them, but I will post a link where you can see them...

New collection:
DA: [link]
Facebook: [link]

The old "finished" collection
DA: [link]
Facebook: [link]

About the quotes:
1.) I don't own any of the quotes in my collection (unless it's stated otherwise);
2.) Credit is given if the ORIGINAL author of the quote is known;
3.) Even if they are racist, sexist, etc. there is no offense intended; They are made strictly with entertaining purposes;
4.) I don't own any (copyrights), so you can use them however you want them;
5.) Possibly there are some grammar mistakes and it would be much appreciated, if you notice them, to let me know, so I can fix them asap;
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmoonleadress:
MoonLeadress Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2013
XD oh, those Russians XD
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:iconreidakk:
Reidakk Featured By Owner May 12, 2013
But Jesus did it before it was cool :lol:
Reply
:iconi-love-doitsu:
I-love-Doitsu Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013  Student Writer
Can someone explain this to me?
Reply
:icondragonlordrynn:
DragonlordRynn Featured By Owner May 4, 2013
Making Wine from Water is easy.
But Vodka is made of Potatoes.
Reply
:iconsilverwind100:
Silverwind100 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Can we not argue? Every one has their own opinions, get over it! If you don't like the quote, that's ok. We have no right to persuade you to like it because it's your opinion. If you do like the quote, good for you. I like it also. None of us have any right to be trying to get others to change their opinions. Why can't we just shut up and enjoy this persons gallery?
Reply
:iconiggy-1-55-306:
Iggy-1-55-306 Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Clearly potatoes are a solid substance that can be liquidized. Let's see you turn water into wine.
Reply
:icondakedoom:
dakedoom Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Potatoes are a substance.. sure. Can you by any chance write down the potato molecule for me?
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:iconiggy-1-55-306:
Iggy-1-55-306 Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That's not even what I meant.
Reply
:icondakedoom:
dakedoom Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It does not matter what you meant, since saying that potatoes can be liquified is absolutely nonsensical and unscientific.
Reply
:iconiggy-1-55-306:
Iggy-1-55-306 Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Ever heard of a juicer, mate? If potatoes can't be liquefied, then where does Vodka even come from?
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:icondakedoom:
dakedoom Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
They're distilled from fermented potatoes. Distillation is a filtration process.

Juicers don't liquify, they squeeze out juices. It's like saying that blood and phlegm are the liquid form of human.
Reply
:iconargosaxthechaos:
argosaxthechaos Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013
Turning water into wine? You are impressed by that lousy parlor trick?
When Krishna was a child he saved a village from a deadly storm of ice pellets by holding an entire mountain for 7 days on the little finger of his left hand in order to shield the village from it. Thats a miracle.
I can do Christs miracle too I'll pour some condensed grape juice into water and preted its Ariel.
Besides his "father" created the universe and all his washed up son can do is parlor tricks? I bet dad was disappointed in him.
Reply
:iconiggy-1-55-306:
Iggy-1-55-306 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Parlor tricks? The guy who calmed a storm with his hand, walked on water, fed over 5000 with two fish and five loaves of bread, brought the dead back to life, healed the blind, made the cripple able to walk again, and turned actual water into actual wine? How are these things parlor tricks? And no, you can't do any of Christ's miracles. If you could, I'd bow down and call you the world's savior. The water-to-wine thing wasn't pretend. The couple who'd been married wondered why they had saved the best wine for last, after they'd run out of all the other stuff that Jesus didn't convert from one liquid substance to a completely different liquid substance.
I you want to impress me with your "facts", you should try quite a bit harder. Your argument was not only weak, but you didn't even take the proper time to check your grammar, making it harder for me to understand what you were getting at, if you even were at all.
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:iconargosaxthechaos:
argosaxthechaos Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013
Right because you drank yourself the wine he made and know it really was wine.
What I'm saying is his "miracles" are shit.
Healing the ill eh? Imhotep who lived 2700 BC could do a successful trepidation yet no one called him the son of god because he didnt lie that he simply knew a lot about medicine. You say my facts are weak but you are the one who talks as if you were there.
Like I said Krishna even as a child did greater things than Christ all his life. If both really did what they were acconted for than Christ wouldnt be worthy to polish Krishna's shoes.
More over Krishna wouldnt even find a problem like lack of wine worthy of his time he only acted when he was the only one that could solve the problem. Like I said he saved a village from a storm of ice pellets. But why did he act at all? Because the Storm was the doing of a demi-god Indra so Krishna being the avatar of Vishnu was the only one that could save the village.
Christ is nothing more than an asshole who says "love me, love me or I will send you to hell for all eternity."
And you are just a pussy that is afraid of hell which is why if the bible said "you must eat your own shit or you will burn in hell" you would do it as the coward and pussy you are.
Hinduism however has no such thing as reward or punishment after death, as it says that the soul has nothing to do with the material world so there is no way to corrupt it. But of course due to your own vanity you want to be rewarded for your effort, which only confirms what I always knew that all Christians are immoral.
More over Hinduist admit that they dont know the truth about god saying:

Who really knows?
Who will here proclaim it?
Whence was it produced? Whence is this creation?
The gods came afterwards, with the creation of this universe.
Who then knows whence it has arisen?

Because Hinduism is about finding your own path so truth is you dont have to worship anyone.
And if I was a god then I wouldnt need your worship in the first place - a god doesnt need anything, especially to praise and worship of a pussy like you.

Whatever Krishna did he did it on a level worthy of a god.
He had 16108 wives and had 10 children with each and he could have sex with all of them at same time. Yes he could be in multiple places at same time, just like when he was a child he danced with 8 gopi simultaneously.
And how many wives did Christ have? Oh right none. Makes me wonder if he was in fact gay given that he had those 12 guys with him all the time.
Reply
:iconiggy-1-55-306:
Iggy-1-55-306 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You put me down because of my belief in Christ, but you support the belief in Krishna and Demigods? Do you even realize how hypocritical that is?
Also, I believe that grace is what gets you into heaven, not your "good deeds" here on Earth. Am I afraid of Hell? Yes. Why? It's a fiery pit for the rest of eternity. Is that why I believe in God? Not at all.
You should really find the facts before you assume anything about anyone, because that just makes you look like an ass. You think I'm a pussy, but you don't know anything about me. Plus, Jesus never said "love me, love me or you'll go to hell". Jesus hung out with the scum of the earth, not just the religious people. He showed them the truth, and it was by their own choice that they believed in him. He didn't need medicines like Imohtep, because he did everything by the power of God.
You can put me down all you want, but that doesn't change anything. I have my beliefs, you have yours, and no amount of "facts" can get either of us to change our minds. I hope you'll forgive me if my Christianity offended you. Have a lovely day.
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:iconargosaxthechaos:
argosaxthechaos Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013
Good, very good, bravo I take back what I said about you.
Its exactly how you said no amount of facts will change our minds.
So dont take people making jokes about Christs miracles so seriously, just ignore it.
I'm actually an atheist so I treat every religion as a fairy tale.
However as an atheist I can objectively decide which religion is most likely accurate if a god really exists. In my opinion that would be Hinduism. Dont be surprised about that because even great minds like Einstein and Tesla were very interested by the Vedas.
You see the Vedas are more than just religion it is also philosophy and futuristic views. Nazis were also very interested in them, you may not know this but Hitler was something of an occultist and he searched for everything that could uplift germany. Hitler once possessed the item people believe to be the "Spear of Destiny" which later americans retrieved. So where am I going with this? Well some people say that Nazis gained the knowledge how to create nuclear weapons based on a weapon called "Brahmastra" which is described in the Vedas.
And you are right Christ liked the company of scum and thats because he liked people who are honest with themselves, meaning they dont preted to be someone else.
But the problem with christianity is that many things were interpreted in the wrong way. And it was intentional I think even you know that there are other Gospels which were removed and not just the 4.
Hinduism however doesnt judge people, like I said there is no punishment or reward in death there. As an example its different treatment of sexual orientations. Christians make a big fus about gay people. However in Hinduism there 6 sexual orientations: heterosexual men, heterosexual women, homosexual men, homosexual women, bisexual men and bisexual women - all are considered fine and normal.
But if you can answer me this question: Assuming christianity is right about everything and after death you will go to heaven, will you really be able to enjoy it knowing so many people are suffering in hell, considering some might be your closest friends and family?
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:iconiggy-1-55-306:
Iggy-1-55-306 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
To answer your question, yes.
Assuming that what's in the bible is true, then there will be no reason to have worries or doubts or pain or suffering in heaven. My friends, my family, they had their chance and made their choice. I will be sad for them, but I'll be happy I'm not with them. Plain and simple.
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:iconargosaxthechaos:
argosaxthechaos Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013
I see ok. Personaly I do not believe there is a person that deserves eternal damnation. Even Hitler I would send him for say 2000 years.
In the end he himself couldnt do anything if other people wouldnt let him.
If France and England attacked Germany the moment they attacked Poland the war would be over in a month. Germany was completly defenceless from the west at that time but they instead signed a treaty with him instead.
So I really cant get myself to blame him for everything as there were many involved.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconjeffersonsark:
JeffersonSark Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013
из картошки получится плохая водка
Reply
:iconnarutocatwoman:
narutocatwoman Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013
I got a quote

My parents told me to grow up, so I took steroids
Reply
:iconninjavanish1:
NinjaVanish1 Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013
Yep, Hannah Hart taught me that!
Reply
:iconartimiss1238:
artimiss1238 Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student General Artist
lmfao
Reply
:iconchibi-charm:
chibi-charm Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Student
ikr!? i just found that out not too long ago XD
Reply
:icontherobertschneider:
TheRobertSchneider Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:D Great one!
Reply
:iconflamecloud123:
flamecloud123 Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Digital Artist
not cool bro most of your quotes are really funny but this isn't one of them
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:iconiggy-1-55-306:
Iggy-1-55-306 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Despite being a Christian, I found it funny. You know those things that are just so stupid that they make you laugh?
Reply
:iconsinistergehe:
SinisterGehe Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I found this very funny.
Reply
:iconflamecloud123:
flamecloud123 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Student Digital Artist
sorry i didn't.
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:iconsinistergehe:
SinisterGehe Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I am not sorry at all that I did.
-think of the world in which people have different opinions, cultures and backgrounds. Are you able to even conceptualize the humor in this quote? Could you? Or are you too blind to see why some people find this funny?
Reply
:iconflamecloud123:
flamecloud123 Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Student Digital Artist
listen i'm not going to fight with you. there is no point.I beileve in God so this isn't funny to me. if it is funny to you good for you but i find no humor in it
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:iconsinistergehe:
SinisterGehe Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I am not trying to fight. I am not challenging your beliefs. I am only ask, can you see how I see, can you feel how I feel. Isn't compassion one of the main pillars of your faith? OK Let's rephrase this, could you let go?

This is purely philosophical. Are wise enough to see by other peoples eyes? Or are you blind? Are a complete and good person for real or is it just a mask you wear?
Prove me and yourself wrong - and tell me. Why would others see this funny?
This has nothing to do with 'god(s)' or beliefs, this is fully a personal journey to metaphysical enlightenment.

If you can. I am happy by with all the glory and joy of the world for you, but if you can't you have all of my sympathies - and I will just move on to the next person.
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:iconsundaesurprise:
SundaeSurprise Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
jesus, here you are talking about different people havign different opinions. well, right back at ya! that was her opinion, leave her alone and don't question her about it. that would involve your two opinions colliding and thus starting a pointless conversation that only makes one of the two of you angry. She might be blind to find this funny and you mught be blind to find this immature. people have different taste in humor.
your views will never and won't ever be the same as anyone else's, so stop trying to convince her or make her see otherwise if she clearly doesn't want to. You're not special to anyone but yourself, who says things are as simple as you claim to be? no one will ever understand the human mind no matter how wise-cracking you tr to sound.
in short, suck it.
Reply
:iconsinistergehe:
SinisterGehe Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You call me angry and you were the one to break out the swears. Tell me why did you jump in to this discussion? Did she need defending? I never told her opinion was invalid or wrong. I merely questioned if she could see the other side of the coin.
I been finding this discussion very interesting and would have wanted to continue it further. But apparently if it makes YOU angry and I am not here to offend anyone. I will quit it here.

I hope you are happy for ruining a discussion that you had nothing to do with.

Also. Me immature? No capital letters, swearing bad construction, finger pointing, invalid defenses, aggressive initiation to discussion.

I am disappointed that you couldn't possess the necessary level of mental maturity to make your point politely and calmly.
But: "Mask that hides your face takes away the need to cover your words."
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconcinni-mon:
Cinni-mon Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Dude, she has a right to her opinion like you said, its not like she was hazing you for liking it so why you jumpin on her case, don't be a hypocrit.
Reply
:iconsinistergehe:
SinisterGehe Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
... I am not ...?
I have taken it as my task to even try make people understand other views. When did I accuse her of anything? She has her opinion. I would just like to know why? And if he can understand the other view.

Because issue with Deviantart is generally that everything is black and white, offensiv eor not offensive, sexy or not sexy, cool or not cool.
Never explained why or what would make it something else.
One man can't change anything but like I have anything else to do.
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:icondevilchild360:
DevilChild360 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I Agree
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:iconflamecloud123:
flamecloud123 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Student Digital Artist
thank you
Reply
:icondevilchild360:
DevilChild360 Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
your welcome~
Reply
:icondragonbeam74686:
dragonbeam74686 Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconherpplz: xD
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:iconhokova:
Hokova Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
THEY CAN.
Then again, so can any Slav worth his salt...
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:iconfffim:
FFFim Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Student General Artist
:D
have anybody heard about turning manure into hooch?.. it is fermenting there for a time, abrakadabra, - and here your delicious booze is! ...sick as hell :no:
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:iconhamanic:
Hamanic Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
конечно можем)
Reply
:iconsong-of-the-sirens:
Song-of-the-Sirens Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012
What's funny is that you would think the Irish would have figured out how to turn potatoes into alcohol first.
Reply
:iconmayinside:
MayInside Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012
ahahah guys u've just MADE MY DAY
Reply
:iconaaralyn7:
Aaralyn7 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012
How true, and not only potatoes! :D
Your quotes' collections are epic, yes.
Reply
:iconkrasher124:
Krasher124 Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012
Well fu** you.
Reply
:iconcinni-mon:
Cinni-mon Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I don't appreciate this quote either but its christians like you that give us a bad name so that society can mock Christ. Don't freak out. WWJD.
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:iconkrasher124:
Krasher124 Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013
Oh...okay. I'll....go to my corner now....
Reply
:iconshadow-blossom888:
Shadow-Blossom888 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012
It's a quote, no need to freak out.
Reply
:iconkrasher124:
Krasher124 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012
Yes I do. Good reason: I am Christian. I read the bible. I condemn those who don't believe. No offense if you are one of them.
Reply
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